The act of a compliment

 Decided to go see hubby's band. Should have been a great time but all i could do was think about how I couldn't dance,  the dark circles under my eyes won't go away,  how beautiful everyone else was,  and how not i was. 

I say there at the bar,  drinking water and feeling sorry for myself.  My knee is still the size of a grapefruit. The replacement was supposed to make it so I could do the things i love doing again. And it was working,  till it wasn't.  The swelling following the surgery never really went away.  The clicking and catching that it did before the surgery came back. I got one summer off hiking and canoeing.  I can't dance.  I love dancing.  It's the one reason I go to the bar to see him play.  So I can dance to his music.  Now,  I step won't and it pops,  I stretch and it creeks.

As soon as I banish that thought I see the beautiful people.  The women in red,  the ladies dancing, the birthday party enough the music. And I judge myself against every single damn one.  And I am lacking. I see my friend,  but the table is full,  and she doesn't see me. So I sit at the bar waiting for the band to take a break. Continually reminding myself that I shouldn't be so negative.  Yes they are beautiful,  but that doesn't mean I'm not... except that's exactly what it does mean. 

I say hi the birthday boy.  Then go find hubby and say hello. I say hi to my friends.  And the depression lessens. Then she says you cut your hair - I love it.  A basic compliment.  Nothing massive but... she says it again when I go to say goodbye.  'I love your hair.  I think I'll do the same with mine' and she genuinely means it.  Not sure if she realizes but she pulled me out of that spiral that's been trying to take over all week. 

8 years

 

Thats a long time to not write

To not talk to someone about all this

The kids are grown

2 have married

I thought they were getting along

I was wrong

At least about 1 of them

She's "not in the right headspace" 

She goes to counseling but now she wants no contact 

What the hell do I do?  I try and fix it because I was never allowed to just go no contact where the other person actually realized it.

I need to get over myself and realize that they are adults and they need to figure it out on their own

I need to just stop

Its like dealing with my sister and brother all over again

That tree looks good, maybe I can hide there and not deal with any of them anymore

Giving thanks

Yesterday we did the annual thanksgiving meal with his family.  Went around the table and people said thanks for various things.  Me? I said food. Thankful for someone else cooking the turkey and ham.  Then I told my MIL directly that I'm thankful for her. For her just being who she is.  Nobody else heard me say it since we were not at the table with the rest of them and my FIL called it a "party foul". My response was it wasn't a comment for you and went back to eating.

Sorry you don't like me not being thankful that you are still around for my hubby to hate.  Sorry I'm not thankful for the way people treat me.  Sorry I don't say I'm thankful for my family.  Ya see they know I am thankful for them because I actually say so daily.

please disregard this message

so I you call over to ask a question about finances. I couldn't use one of the cards and was worried it was hacked. Your answer to me was it's full. Ya so. We have no money until Friday. I waited to talk to you d during a commercial. You act like I ran over your dog. You complain about it being to hot and you are dressed in warm dress clothes. When I ask why you are dressed up you say it's the only cloths that fit. You haven't gained weight in the last few months. You went shopping for clothes last week.... What gives, why didn't you get jeans too? I ask if you are blowing me of because the game is back on, you answer partly. You really don't get that you aren't being nice..... I only asked about finances because I don't want to get hacked, you treat me like ' what the heel, I didn't expect this talk. How could you.' I was worried. Guess I shouldn't be. We have no money. We won't have money. I can't ask questions. I just piss you off regardless of what I do. merry Christmas

hmmm

if you always leave yourself an out
where does that leave me

Another holiday over

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Wonderful time with the family and friends.  Best part is NO shopping on Thanksgiving or Black Friday.  Did that last year, what a waste, nothing that we needed or wanted and the 1 big item I got needed the tires replaced 3 times before summer was over.  This year that is not going to happen, no trying to get that 1 item that you think the kids need and can't live without.  They've been without it all year and probably all their life. They don't have to have me out of the house on a holiday to get something they can't life without.  Thankfully our kids are stuck on name brands and material items.  None of them have t.v.s in their room. No gaming systems set up in there either.  Toys (mostly non-electronic) yes, but Wii, PS3, DVD, T.V. NO!  Actually I think they have more books then toys even.  Speaking of books, they all have Kindles from last Christmas (from my mom) and guess what... they are sitting on a shelf not being used.  These kids prefer the hard copy of a book to electronics.  Books don't have a Black Friday special, probably because they are already a great price.  As a matter of fact other than the quiet time between relative visits they didn't even pull out the cell phones or DS games.
Even now, the only reason we are going out this weekend is for groceries, car checks, work, and school events.  We would all rather spend time together at home then trying to fight the crowds for stuff we don't need.

so much to say so much to do.....

No time
No time for me

Snatch a moment here
a second there

coffee while you're sleeping
firelight peace

movement of waking souls
waking to a busy day

a life full of hope
dreams and fears

No time to regret
Good morning

Updating?? Ya right!

Well that didn't work.

Ok, not sure what I'm going to do with this place but I should do something.

Back from Venture Crew white water rafting trip last weekend. Little man is at Boy Scout resident camp this week.  Little lady is working with her troop at Tall Ships to earn money for our troop. Big lady is working on getting license and learning how to fix her car. :)

Mom is good, married to a nice man (can't say good since he's not dad, but still better than the last one) and living in  little closer, although just a difficult to visit with.

J and me are good. Although I really need to work on my communication skills where he is concerned. And boy am I glad he doesn't read this blog.

Guess that's it. Hope the next post isn't a year away.

Oh my!! Its been far too long since my last post.

Well where to start......
Lots of people are posting different ways to be dairy free or other allergy free in their foods.  So I thought about that.  Got busy, it didn't happen.
Rerun's Webelos leader had a baby so I took over the den. We're a year in and he's got 13 of the possible 20 activity pins for his level. Now to get the rest of the den to that point.
AJ is now a Senior in Girl Scouts and working of coming up with a good Gold project.
Smash is currently procrastinating on coming up with her Silver project.  Can't blame her but really it just needs to get past me, its not like the gold where you have to talk council into approving it.

Me?? I am now working full time. Have been for over a year. Jer is working from home now that I've got a real job. Its working well for us, even with me having no life outside of scouts and kids. :)

The no-dairy thing you ask?  Yep still doing it.  BUT we still get all sorts of yummy food since I have finally gotten the hang of how to substitute dairy alternatives in most all the foods we eat here at the house.  How's that?? Well Galaxy Foods, So Delicious, Tofutti, Enjoy Life, Rice Dream and Silk all work great for substitutes.  Tomorrow is my 39th birthday and we are going to have lasagna and garlic bread for dinner.  Yes that's right a totally dairy free italian meal - take that Olive Garden!!

Maybe I will do a food blog.... Gotten get a good twist on it though.... maybe I should try and convert an oldie but goodie cookbook to a non-dairy.... Let me know what you think.

Happy Birthday Rerun!

my little man is 9 years old this week! I just finished making rigatoni for his birthday dinner thanks to his daddy for making the sauce!

Gotta go wrap the cloths from my mom and pack up the car to head to my in laws for the party!

Pics soon. Maybe, if I remember.

What was lost is now found

Little man's glasses have been MIA for about 2 months now. Stopped in to the school today to drop off his costume for the wax museum and the secretary asked if we ever found his glasses. She then said, we have 2 here, is either of these his?? YES!!!!! So we now have his glasses back and I wrote his name on them just to make sure we don't lose them like that again!

the light at the end of the Silver Journey!!

Finally AJ is seeing the light at the end of this very long journey to completing her Silver.

She started on the path with the old requirements, halfway through the Journey requirements came out and in our council we were told since she hadn’t started the Silver project itself she had to follow the new requirements. Thankfully we had already been working on the Amaze Journey so it wasn’t too much of a gear switch.

She then decided to do her Silver project on Astronomy. She was going to plan/run/teach astronomy to younger Girl Scouts. Then she found out that it couldn’t be for Girl Scouts; ok, she’ll do it for Cub Scouts, but that got shot down too. So she pitched the idea to the principal at her old elementary school and they loved the idea!

At that point she’d spent over 40 prep hours on this project. By October 2010 the school came back and said no to the club idea but yes to teaching during school over her spring break (different from theirs) for all the 5^th graders.

Today was another meeting with the principal and another bump in the road but she took it in stride! They realized that the week that she was going to come in and teach was the OAA prep week (state testing) so she’s back to an after school club for grades 4-6. She’s still doing the same program she planned for during the school day but will be doing it after school with the StarLab coming in on Friday all day for her to teach children grades K-6.

Now all we have to do is finish the paperwork after this week is completed and turn it in for her to get her pin!!

J

MIA

Ya that's me. MIA. This blog has been MIA for just over 3 months... my other one it's been almost a year!

Lots to talk about, nothing to say though.

Keeping busy with the kids and scouts. Working hard for next to nothing.

Jer and I get to go out to dinner about 2 weeks ago. First time in almost a year we've gone out without anyone else, no other couples, no kids, no anything. It was nice. It was really nice.

Now he's busting his butt at work while I attend GS meetings about troops, council programs and day camp. I love the fact that he only complains once a month about the fact that I spend more time volunteering with our kids then making money for us to eat on. Yes that is a real compliment, not a backhanded one. I really do love the fact that he only complains once a month, I know other men may complain more (most do from what I hear).

Report cards came in this week. The girls are straight A's. The little man is going to get a swift kick in the butt if he doesn't start doing a little better. Yes he has A's and B's but it's the N's that I have issue with. The kid needs to get his homework brought home so he can do it, and start listening in class.

Oh the joys of parenthood.

Recent Discovers

I've recently cut out all dairy from my diet. No small feat with the amount of milk that is consumed in my house! On a good note - I'm not gassy, bloated, or running the the bathroom within an hour after eating any more. And I'm not up 3 times a night either! The real downside has been finding food that I can eat.

No going out for coffee and doughnuts.

No cream in your coffee when you go out either!

No eating at the church buffets because nobody cooks without some dairy in the food

No hotdogs

No cheeseburgers

No really good food from Olive Garden or Red Lobster (I get to go there once a year and now even that isn't fun!)

No turkey on Thanksgiving

No blue cheese dressing

But I really can't argue with the good side, I do feel better. I am eating healthy, still getting lots of calcium and such. Just more home cooking then anything else.

its official!

We've officially become the fryers in the family! We've been frying up chicken, cheese, hush puppies and corn dogs all to the rest of the families delite! I use to love fried foods, now... not so much. We did about 75 cheese sticks on Sunday and froze about 25 for later frying. My waistline can't take much more...

:)

Its been a few months.... feels like years but anyway... I just had to talk about what I'm cooking this weekend.

We did a fish fry a few weeks ago and it got me thinking... how do you fry mozzarella??? So I checked a few sites and tried my hand at it.... What do you think?

This is all that made it to the plate for pictures, the kids snagged them all before I could even plate them!

But that was last night.... Tonight it's ratatouille. Basic recipe with Herbs de Provence.

Can't get a good picture at the moment, still cooking. I'm planning on serving this over a baked potato. I know not the traditional way but then... I'm not traditional. So on to the recipe....

eggplant

zucchini

yellow squash

cherry tomatoes

olive oil

Herbs de Provence

salt and pepper

Cut everything to bite size pieces and place in mixing bowl.

Add olive oil (I didn't measure just went twice around the bowl)

Add all the seasonings (again, no measuring, just till it looked good)

Toss all until everything is well coated

Spread out onto a cookie sheet in a single layer

Bake/roast uncovered at 400 for about 40 minutes, stirring once

No for me, I'm planning on making baked potatoes for dinner for the kids, so I'll be having this on to of my potato in place of my normal toppings.

I'll let you know how it tastes!

Gotta love Mondays

Ok, A is home sick, I called off work. Now to get laundry done, kitchen cleaned, and try to find the bathroom. Can I do it? Nope! Instead I'm going to type.
Little lady hit the ball yesterday and made it to first base! Then stole 2nd and 3rd before getting out at home.
Rerun has still not hit the ball. Really need to practice with him.
A finished up track but will miss the all city meet since they rescheduled it twice and now its on a day she can't make.
Little lady and Rerun both have a music concert tomorrow. Now to remember to record it for their daddy.
Mom's hubby is in the nursing home, not sure if he's going to be coming home or not. Last I heard he wasn't able to walk and since there are stairs at their house, he has to stay put.
Me... busy as ever. Can't think of what to write so maybe I will go and do the housework, or read, can't decide.

What a day

now I remember why I don't ready everyone's posts, either here in blogland or on facebook. I really do have a hard time with other people's problems.
You're having a hard day? I feel your pain and wish there was some way I can help
You're mad at me for what I said or did? I want nothing more then to fix it and make you love me again
You're hurting and crying and scared? I want to jump in my car or on a plane and hold you till you feel better
But I can't. I can't do any of those things, I'm stuck here taking care of my family, raising my kids, and living as best as I can. Reading others posts makes me realize just how great I have it, which only depresses me and makes me wish I could help you have a great life too.

Today I drove Jess to Rainbow to see her doc. Seeing her coughing and hurting, I just wanted to yell at the doc to fix her. But he can't, nobody can. CF sucks.

I read my sister's latest blog post. I want to hold her and tell her that its all ok, but I can't. Life is such that we don't see each other but once a year if we are lucky.

Damn it, I hate it when I get this way. Life sucks sometimes.... Now to put on the happy face, go to work and smile.

First RVDC meeting of the year

Last night we got the 4 incharge ladies together for an hour meeting that lasted 2. It was GREAT! We talked about craft ideas, program ideas, cache placements, unit placements and all sorts of other stuff!

No tie-dye this year, but duct tape has returned, bigger and better then ever!
Each unit will be getting about a 1/2 day of geocaching experience, maybe more if I can find some more scouting geocachers that want to help.
I'm checking on the Oberline heritage center for our field trip, underground railroad should be interesting this year
We are going to talk to the metro parks about bringing Ohio Mammals this year

Next meeting is in a month, hope to have it all nailed down by there.

Ugh!

Library didn't open until noon! Didn't make it yesterday, won't make it today either.

On a good note the cookies are IN!!! Anyone interested in Girl Scout cookies??