Decided to go see hubby's band. Should have been a great time but all i could do was think about how I couldn't dance, the dark circles under my eyes won't go away, how beautiful everyone else was, and how not i was.
I say there at the bar, drinking water and feeling sorry for myself. My knee is still the size of a grapefruit. The replacement was supposed to make it so I could do the things i love doing again. And it was working, till it wasn't. The swelling following the surgery never really went away. The clicking and catching that it did before the surgery came back. I got one summer off hiking and canoeing. I can't dance. I love dancing. It's the one reason I go to the bar to see him play. So I can dance to his music. Now, I step won't and it pops, I stretch and it creeks.
As soon as I banish that thought I see the beautiful people. The women in red, the ladies dancing, the birthday party enough the music. And I judge myself against every single damn one. And I am lacking. I see my friend, but the table is full, and she doesn't see me. So I sit at the bar waiting for the band to take a break. Continually reminding myself that I shouldn't be so negative. Yes they are beautiful, but that doesn't mean I'm not... except that's exactly what it does mean.
I say hi the birthday boy. Then go find hubby and say hello. I say hi to my friends. And the depression lessens. Then she says you cut your hair - I love it. A basic compliment. Nothing massive but... she says it again when I go to say goodbye. 'I love your hair. I think I'll do the same with mine' and she genuinely means it. Not sure if she realizes but she pulled me out of that spiral that's been trying to take over all week.
